Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form do I own the Golden Girls, as a whole, or individually, although I would love to have one of my own some day. This piece is written sheerly out of my immense love and adoration for them, and is in no way meant to infringe on copywritten material. Thank you.
Ever wonder what would have happened if the Golden Girls were here and now? How would they handle dating in the world of technology? Well, my friends, that question is answered…right here.
And if you’re reading this, let me just say, “THANK YOU FOR BEING A FRIEND!” 😀
Golden Girls 2011
Fan Fic by Joslyn Corvis
“Girls,” Blanche said in her sing-song Southern accent. “I just don’t know what to do!“
“What’s the matter, Blanche? Did you accidentally post your private pictures to Facebook again?” Dorothy asked sarcastically as she sat at the kitchen table, next to Rose.
“I’m serious. This Internet dating thing has my schedule so full, I don’t know where to start! Why, I had to upgrade my membership just so my inbox would hold more messages!”
“And where are you signed up? Cougars.com?”
“Oh, Dorothy. A cougar is an older woman. I won’t qualify for at least another twenty years.”
“Face it, we both qualify as cougars whether you like it or not.”
“You should really get hip to the lingo. A cougar is an older woman that younger men desire. Neither of us are cougars, but for different reasons.”
Dorothy shot Blanche her famous deathly-stare.
“Back in Saint Olaf,” Rose chimed in, “Being a cougar was the highest insult. No one wanted to be a cougar, but there was another term we used. It was a compliment when a man told a woman she was like one of the most magnificent, beautiful, elegant creatures on Earth.”Blanche was hesitant as she asked her question.
“And what animal was that?”
“The buffalo!” Rose beamed. “I can’t tell you how many times a boy would come up to me and say, ‘Wow, you’re a real buffalo.’ Well, of course, the other girls were jealous of me because all the boys agreed. And when I’d walk by the other girls in school, I’d hear them whisper, ‘She thinks she’s such a buffalo, but she’s nothing more than a fox or a cougar!’ Let me tell you, teenaged girls can be really cruel!”
Dorothy and Blanche rolled their eyes. Dorothy continued to speak as if Rose hadn’t said a word.
“At any rate, Blanche, I think you’re getting a little too caught up in men you’ve never even met! How do you know that the men on that site are really who they say they are? They could say they’re rich doctors, that they own expensive cars; they could even go as far to alter their pictures, a little stretching and skewing, and a nip-tuck here with the mouse and instead of a pruny eighty-year-old man, you’re looking at an eighty-year-old man who had a PhotoShop job to look like a buff firefighter!”
“See, Dorothy? With all that knowledge of PhotoShop, you just may have a chance at true love!” With that she strutted out of the room as Sophia slipped into the kitchen.
“Ma, I just don’t know about Blanche and all this virtual dating. Is it not enough that she can get a date just stepping out to the mailbox?”
Sophia chided her. “Oh, Pussycat, stop acting so jealous.”
“Jealous? Ma, I am not jealous.”
“Oh, please. I know that look. You’re jealous because Blanche is getting more action in Cyberspace than you’ve seen in real time! Why don’t you sign up yourself?”
“You’re mother is right, Dorothy. There are tons of dating sites out there. Hotbuffalo.com is just one of thousands! Their offices are based in Saint Olaf. And the great thing is, instead of money, you just mail them a box of marbles to pay for your membership.”
Dorothy stared unamused. “Marbles? Really, Rose?”
“Yes. It seems that marbles are still quite popular in Saint Olaf. Everyone is always losing them.”
“Dare I ask, and where do you suppose these marbles are going?”
“Well, actually, we suspect they’re being stolen by Little Lord Schmergen Gerkin. Roughly translated, his name means, ‘Little Lord Who Dresses Like a Pickle.’ Well, he had a pet fish that he carried everywhere with him. At first, there were only a few marbles at the bottom of the fish bowl, but after a while it started filling up until there was no more room for Schergen Gerkin Jr. to swim! That’s when we had an inkling that it was Little Lord Schmergen Gerkin pickpocketing all the townspeople for their marbles, but we had no proof. Eventually, Junior died, and the town vet cited the cause of death as ‘crushed by marbles’. And even to this day, Junior’s grave is always piled high with new marbles.”
“Well, why doesn’t anyone just go take them off of the grave?”
“Oh, no Dorothy, we couldn’t do that. It’s disrespectful to steal valuables from the dead.”
“YOU WOULD BE STEALING MARBLES FROM A FISH, YOU TWIT!” She regained her composure once again. “You know, maybe you’re right, Ma. I think I’ll sign up now.” She went to the living room and logged on to her laptop to sign up.
ONE WEEK LATER
Dorothy sat in a small but nice restaurant as a man approached her. “Are you Dorothy?” he asked.
“Oh, you must be my date for the evening! Please, have a seat. I hope this table is okay. My, you’re even more handsome than you led me to believe! It was a nice surprise since you didn’t send me a picture before our date.”
“Actually, I’m your waiter. Your date for the evening asked if there was a Dorothy in a blue dress waiting for a Derek, and when I pointed you out to him, he said he had to go. He was in a panic, something about eye surgery. Is he a doctor?”
“No! He’s a pizza delivery man! I feel so silly, I should have never tried this whole Internet blind dating. This is humiliating, being stood up like this. I think I’m going to just pay for the wine and go, and you can keep the change.”
“Actually, if you can wait for another half an hour, I’ll be getting off my shift. Maybe we can grab dinner somewhere?” The waiter looked at her, hopeful.
“Sure. Sounds like fun. I’d really like that.”
“My name’s Roger, by the way. It’s nice to meet you Dorothy. When I get off work, I’ll use my address book app to find us a nice eatery. Someplace classy enough to suit a classy lady like yourself.”
MEANWHILE . . .
Blanche was on a date with the most eligible bachelor on her match list. He was handsome. Funny. He drove an expensive car. They had gone out early Saturday, and he lavished her with expensive gifts and spoiled her at fancy restaurants. And then back to his place. But there was one minor problem.
“Well, Blanche. This is where I live!” said her date, Ted.
“It’s gorgeous! Oh, I could absolutely see myself living here, just like a princess! Except, I don’t think I could wear a tiara. It would detract attention from my sparkling eyes. Oh, who am I kidding, even a tiara couldn’t compare!”
“Now, when we get inside, we have to be quiet. My mom doesn’t like it when I bring women home without clearing it with her first.”
Blanche was shocked. They spent an hour and a half in his room downstairs, watching T.V. and laughing quietly. She couldn’t relax because she was highly uncomfortable. He didn’t mention this in his profile. But maybe there was more to the story.
“So, when did your mother move in with you?”
“Well, yes. You said she lived here.”
“Oh,” said Teddy.
“No, I live with her. I never moved out. I never saw the point. This way, I can spend as much money as I want, as long as I can pay my car payment, insurance, that type of stuff. But I don’t even have to worry about buying groceries. And she does all my cooking and laundry. She even cleans my room!”
“Teddy, Honey. I really like you. But, don’t you think you’re a little too old to be living in your mother’s house and relying on her to do your daily chores?”
“Not at all. Hey, why don’t we go heat up some Hot Pockets? My mom just bought a brand new box!”As they entered the kitchen, they were both surprised to see Ted’s mother sitting there.
“Oh, so you brought another one of your friends home without telling me?”
“This is Blanche. She’s my date for the night.”
“DATE? Theodore, she’s old enough to be your grandmother!” she exclaimed.“Look, I do not have to stand here and take this! Teddy, take me home!”
“Oh, it was dreadful, just dreadful!” Blanche shrieked as she walked in the door as Dorothy sprawled comfortably on the couch.
“Oh, it was wonderful, just wonderful!” Dorothy sang.“You mean to tell me you met your perfect match from that stupid site?”
“Well, not exactly. He left before I even got a chance to see him. But the waiter and I hit it off, and we went out to a nice restaurant and made plans for next weekend. The way I see it, SexyMiamiFloridaGuy didn’t know a good thing when he saw it!”
“Wait. You’re telling me SexyMiamiFloridaGuy stood you up?”
“Well,” said Blanche, “I caught a glimpse of him in the diner where we were supposed to meet. That’s all I had to see before I hightailed it out of the place! I didn’t think that man could afford to be picky.”
“Yes, and meeting Roger was the best thing that happened to me from this Internet dating. I think I’m going to give it up and meet men the old fashioned way.”
“I’m with you, Dorothy. It’s nice to have all of these admirers, but I think I’m going to give it up, too.”
“Blanche, I’m really proud of you, Honey. For the last month and a half you’ve been almost addicted to it, and now you’re just giving it up cold-turkey! You know, I’m really impressed!”
“Well, I realized that I don’t need this stupid dating site to feel wanted, to feel desired. Instead, I’ll just set up a fan site. MissBlancheDevereaux.com. That way, there will be no obligation to actually go out with these men, and they can still pay a small fee just to bask in the glow of my pics from the comfort of their own homes.”
Dorothy got up from the couch, annoyed. “I’m going to go see what Ma is up to. She’s been in the kitchen for a long time.” They entered the kitchen in unison, with Rose sitting next to Sophia, staring at the laptop screen. “Ma, what are you doing?”
“Internet dating. Look at this, Dorothy! HotRichItalian. He’s thirty-two, works out, loves to travel, has a great job, and he’s single! He’s been texting me for the last hour! Boy, am I glad your father never got involved in computers and the Internet.”
“Oh, Ma. You probably heard stories about how these sites make people stray from their marriages. You know he would never have left you for some Cyber Floozy.”
“I know, I know. But with guys like HotRichItalian on these websites, who knows what might have happened to my marriage? The way we’ve been texting, you may be calling him ‘Dad’! In fact, you may end up with a new brother or sister!”
Dorothy put a hand to her forehead. And then, Sophia opened her purse and handed a box to her.
“By the way, Pussycat, can you take these down to the Post Office on Monday? Don’t worry, I’ve already addressed it to Saint Olaf, Minnesota.”
AND SCENE 😀