Be the *STAR* of *ANY* Horror Movie! Tips for various scenarios!

Most people know that I’m a horror movie NERD! If you drink, do drugs, and/or are not a virgin, you’re probably not likely to survive a horror movie, but you can be the STAR if you use what little time you have wisely. 🙂 You may even be able to save your character’s LIFE! 🙂

SCENARIO: You’re in a cage, watching some nasty redneck chef prepare your friends and waiting for your turn to become an ingredient. To steal the show and shift the viewers focus onto yourself, politely inform the chef of how many calories are going into the meal, and that he might just be better off eating a dozen Big Macs!!!

SCENARIO: Someone gets a hand lopped off from an axe-wielding psychopath. You can say any of the following: “Really gotta hand it to you; you’re pretty good with that axe!” or “This party is really getting out of hand so I think I’ll be on my way…” or any other cheesy hand joke.

SCENARIO: You’re arch nemisis from high school who was and is known for her sluttery, gets killed by an oversized snake, and you have to make a police report. You say, “He just grabbed her and squeezed until she stopped screaming and then he just left her laying when he saw another little morsel run by…(*mumble aside*) story of her life!”

SCENARIO: You’re in Hickville, USA, and some inbred freak with a severe case of halitosis corners you. Politely ask him what kind of dental regimen he is currently on, recommend a good dentist and your favourite brand of minty-fresh mouthwash. If he should kill you, you must make it memorable! As you lay there with him slashing at you, say: “But…I…Was only…Trying to help!” And die in an exaggerated Shakespearean style. You’ll be remembered! 🙂

SCENARIO: Your friend is showing you a doll she bought that is walking and talking and then turns it around to show you that there are no batteries inside of it. Exclaim… “Omigod, made in China?!?!”

SCENARIO: Your favourite restaurant has been serving people, and you’re next! Be sure to tell those who prepare the food that you never could pinpoint that secret ingredient, but their food is always delicious!

SCENARIO: Some freak dressed up in some costume wielding a butcher knife comes into your hotel room and waits outside the shower. Inform him that this is not the first time and that you will contact hotel management, and not only that, you’re taking it to the Association for Greater Hotels! I don’t know if there even is an association under that name but when you’re in a position like that you really have to work with what you got!

SCENARIO: Someone says they’ll give you a million bucks to stay in a creepy old haunted mansion that may house demonic spirits, and like an idiot, you take the guy up on the offer thinking he’s just a weird, rich old eccentric. Or maybe someone calls you a chicken and dares you to stay there so you go along with it so you’ll look brave. Either way, when you are faced with one of the phantom occupants of the house, say, “I just loooovvveee what you’ve done with the place. Is that vase from Pier 1?”

SCENARIO: Zombies are overrunning the world! It went from a handful, to a hundred, a thousand, and now they are millions! You are finally face-to-face with one of the undead who is slowly stalking toward you. Yell to the director, “Who’s doing the makeup here? This looks awful! That’s what I look like after a hard night at the club!”

SCENARIO: You wake up in the middle of the night and see a crazy, murderous clown, possibly of supernatural origin, staring at you through the darkness. The luminescence of the white makeup, eerie dramatic smile and creepy eyes and the bright red hair and shiny nose make it possible to get a fairly good look at it. I’m getting chills just thinking about it *shiver* (I HATE CLOWNS!) Turn over, pull the covers over your head and mumble, “Not the clown dream AGAIN!” and go back to sleep.

SCENARIO: You move into a new house and all the people in town act strange, but the children are even stranger but you can’t quite place it so you assume that they’re just a bunch of brats. They are in your front yard, jump-roping to an eerie little song. DON’T TAKE THAT FROM THEM! TAKE CONTROL OF YOUR HOME! Run outside with the broom to shoo them off and scream, “Get the hell off of my property, you creepy little bastards! If I see you here again I’m gonna tell your parents or get my shotgun!”

SCENARIO: You’re possessed; in this case you’ve already stolen the show! But you still gotta make it good! Split-pea soup has already been done so you might wanna project something more original from the pit of your stomach, something that would really gross everyone out like dark-red raspberry jelly or egg yolks or something that is unidentifiable on film. Swear like Andrew Dice Clay, piss all over the walls, and do pretty much whatever you want. After all, it’s not every day that you can use being possessed as an excuse to do bad things!

SCENARIO: Now if you have been in several movies and have a tendency to die in all of them, then make your last dying scene memorable by saying before the lights dim upon your short time on film, “I really need to find a new line of work…”, then cough, slowly writhe around, and expire.


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