Disclaimer: In no way, shape or form do I own the Golden Girls, as a whole, or individually, although I would love to have one of my own some day. This piece is written sheerly out of my immense love and adoration for them, and is in no way meant to infringe on copywritten material. Thank you.
That’s right! Your four most faaaaavourite girls are back, and this time with your fifth favourite girl! It’s:
THE GOLDEN GIRLS AND THE NEW ROOMMATE (With a Surprise Guest!)
by the one and only Joslyn Corvis
Ring ring…ring ring…
“Oh, I’ll get that. I placed an ad for a new roommate. Adding that guest room to the house was supposed to enhance the value, but now I find myself scrimpin’ and savin’ just to pay for it.” Blanche hussied, I mean, hustled to the phone.
“I told you we didn’t need an extra room,” Dorothy said, momentarily looking up from the newspaper.
“I know it was a mistake now, but it can’t be undone.” Blanche picked up the phone. “Hello?…Yes…yes…Well if you’d like to come by to look at it, I’ll be around all day. Unless, of course, it’s after six. I’m going on a date, but my roommate Dorothy would be more than happy to show you around since she never goes out on Saturdays. Good, see you then. Bye-bye.” She hung up the phone. “Well that’s just some wonderful news. We have a potential renter.”
“Blanche, I understand why you’re doing this, but I just hope it doesn’t upset the balance we have here.”
“Well, she sounded rather delightful over the phone. I can’t wait to meet her to see if she’d be a good fit for our little crew.”
Sophia walked in from the kitchen, catching the tail-end of her sentence. “Crew? Oh, let me guess. The construction workers are taking Blanche out to lunch again and coming back here for dessert.”
“No, Ma. Blanche decided to rent out the additional room to someone to help pay for the renovation. Hopefully it will only be temporary.”
“Oh. I thought this was going to be a repeat performance of last Friday. I got more sleep in Sicily after the invention of the machine gun than I did that night.” Then she walked to her bedroom.
Rose had just gotten home from the store and was looking rather forlorn as she carried a paper bag of groceries in with her.
“What’s the matter, honey?” Dorothy asked.
“Nothing. Nothing at all! I’m fine!”
She walked off to the kitchen, and Blanche and Dorothy followed.
“Rose. Now I know something is bothering you. Why don’t you tell us about it. Maybe you’ll feel better,” said Blanche.
Rose put the bag of groceries on the counter and they all joined together at the table.
“Well,” she said hesitantly, “I’m a little anxious about getting a new roommate.”
“Oh, I know. We’ve lived together for so long, it’s going to be strange having a fifth wheel around here. But you know, maybe she’ll become part of our own little family.”
“No, it isn’t just that. I just keep thinking about what happened to Jenson Fluggelhoffer back in St. Olaf. You see, he had four sons. For years they worked the farm together. The four boys shared a bed with the family pet. Rufus. After their chores were done, they would play tug-of-war with Rufus, and run around the yard with him. But one day, Mrs. Fluggelhoffer revealed she was pregnant with their fifth child. Well, four growing boys and Rufus were more than enough for them to feed, not to mention how the bed was beginning to get a little crowded. So, they sat their sons and Rufus down to have a little talk. Then Mr. Fluggelhoffer told them that one of them had to go. The oldest was thirty-eight, so he was first in line to move out…”
Dorothy and Blanche glared at Rose.
Blanche spoke up. “I thought you said they were ‘growin’ boys’, but he was thirty-eight? And his mother was having a baby? How old was she, Rose?”
“Yes. As it turned out, the Fluggelhoffer men started out very short and continued to grow well into their fifties. Even then, the tallest one was four-foot-two when he died at the age off ninety. As for Mrs. Fluggelhoffer having a baby later in life, well all of St. Olaf had rumours about that. She said it was unexpected, but we all knew it was to trap Mr. Fluggelhoffer into marriage.”
Dorothy rolled her eyes. “I don’t know why I’m saying this, but go on, Rose.”
Blanche cast Dorothy the evil eye.
“Anyway, their eldest son begged and pleaded to stay. He didn’t think he could make it on his own. After all, he could barely reach the top pantry in the kitchen without his mother’s help, so how would he make it in this big, tall world? They gave everyone a chance to state their case as to why they thought they should stay. He couldn’t do farmwork, and he couldn’t even speak. I guess that’s why the decision was unanimous, but still heartbreaking.”
“So they got rid of Rufus, the dog.”
“Oh, no, Dorothy! Rufus wasn’t a dog. He was a goat. And though I’d hardly consider it speaking, he was able to communicate in his own way. He baa’d like he’d never baa’d before, telling them he was a fine asset to the farm. After all, he was the one who kept the grass trimmed. It was the youngest boy. Hans. He would pretend to be picking fruit, but he was actually eating it all. A few months before she became pregnant, they’d noticed a fruit shortage and Rufus told Mr. and Mrs. Fluggelhoffer that he didn’t want to get anyone into trouble, but he’d seen Hans gorging on fruit. Sure enough, when Mr. Fluggelhoffer checked out Rufus’ story, he found apple cores and orange peels in Hans’ section of the orchard and Hans felt so bad he’d confessed.”
Dorothy looked at Rose with lack of amusement before speaking. “And what does this have to do with anything?”
“Once this new roommate moves in, what will happen to me? Dorothy, I’m scared. I don’t want to end up like Hans Fluggelhoffer!” Rose cried. “How will I ever make it without you guys? And who will reach the cereal boxes on the top shelf for me?”
“Honey, we wouldn’t trade you for the world. Even though we’d like to sometimes,” Blanche said. The doorbell rang. “That must be the roommate. Maybe I should say ‘applicant.’ We’ll take a vote to see if we think she should move in or not after she leaves. Let’s go meet her.”
They went to the living room to greet this mystery roommate, and Sophia joined them, not wanting to be left out. At first glance, everyone was taken aback.
“Hi,” she said. “I’m here about the room?”
“Yes. Yes, come in. I’m Blanche, and these are my roommates, Dorothy, Rose, and Sophia.” She tried to hold it together, shocked by the girl’s appearance.
“My name’s Joslyn. Joslyn Corvis. Nice to meet you all!” she said, beaming with friendliness. She was dressed all in black with thick black eyeliner and two little crosses drawn by her right eye. Black lipstick accentuated her full, round lips, and a large silver spider with a red gem hung from a long chain around her neck.
“Whoa. What coven did you come from?” Sophia asked.
Joslyn laughed as Dorothy apologised.
“I’m sorry about my mother, she can be a little Shady Pines—I mean, rude sometimes.”
“It’s quite all right; I get that a lot. I’d love to see the room, if it’s okay.”
“Sure, right this way,” said Blanche. “This, of course is the living room. Out that way is the lanai, and through this way is the kitchen, where we scare up our meals.” She cringed at her own comment, worrying she may have offended her guest. “I mean, where we prepare our meals.”
“I don’t know about this. She looks a little…out of place,” said Dorothy.
“Dorothy, I’m surprised at you! You were just telling me how it might be kinda nice to have a new roommate. Besides, aren’t you usually the one who says you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover? She may be a fun and interesting person. We’ll have to get to know her a little better before we pass judgement on her, good or bad.”
“Oh, I know Rose, but now that we actually have someone here looking at the room, it feels more real. I didn’t actually think it would be that big of a deal, but if we’re going to have someone else living here, I want to make sure it’s the right person.”
“Living here?” said Sophia. “She looks sort of dead to me. Call the morgue and see if there’s an escaped body on the loose!”
After looking at the room, Blanche and Joslyn joined the rest of them in the living room.
“So what is it you do for a living?” Dorothy asked, quickly adding, “Shady Pines, Ma!”
“I’m a writer.”
“Oh, sounds interesting. I’m a big reader. Tell me, what kind of things do you write about?” Dorothy was not intrigued.
“I love to write about scary stuff.”
“Could’ve fooled me!” Sophia interrupted.
“It this may sound a little crazy, but I do a lot of fan fiction at the moment. I don’t get paid for that, it’s just for fun. When I have nothing better to do on a Saturday night, I write about my favourite TV show. It’s about four women who are in their golden years, but they’re so youthful and vibrant and energetic! Anyway, they move in together and become the best of friends, talking about their jobs, love lives, and eating cheesecake.”
“Please!” Sophia interjected again. “Who wants to see four old women acting like they’re in their twenties? A show like that wouldn’t last a week! I know; I’m living it!”
“Cheesecake?” Rose offered.
“That does sound good. I think I’ll have a slice.” Joslyn said.
Everyone walked to the kitchen, and as they sat around enjoying the cheesecake, they chatted and laughed together. Joslyn fit in just like one of the girls. It was as if she was one of them. Blanche excused herself, calling the other three into the living room under the pretense of needing help with something.
“She’s a dream, an absolute dream! And she complimented me on my ‘radiant’ glow. Plus she’s a writer, and she has connections with other writers and band members that she does interviews for and all sorts of men! I think she’s a keeper!”
“You know, you can’t make a decision based upon a simple compliment or by how many men she knows, Blanche,” Dorothy said. “How about we tell her we need another week to see other potential roommates before we choose one who is right for us?”
Rose jumped to Joslyn’s defense. “Well, I like her! She seemed to really like my St. Olaf stories!”
“I’m with the nit-wit on this one,” Sophia agreed. “Anyone who thinks writing about four old ladies on a Saturday night is fun should get along perfectly with you, Pussycat. At least you won’t be the only one without a date. And I’d feel better knowing you weren’t sitting here pathetically on the couch all alone. You may still be pathetic. But not alone.”
“Well, I for one think we should wait and see if we have any other renters answering the ad first.” Dorothy said.
Blanche grew solemn. “Okay, Dorothy. But you’re delivering the news to her.”
They walked back into the kitchen. Dorothy looked at Joslyn, who smiled. “You know, I was just thinking, Miss Dorothy. If you choose me to be your roommate, maybe you could offer me a few beauty tips so I can land a date instead of spending my Saturday nights writing! I’m sure your social calendar is never empty.”
“Well, thank you!” Dorothy beamed. “Now we have to get something straight before we go any further. We want you to move in as soon as possible!”
And with that, Joslyn became one of the girls.
TO BE CONTINUED! 😀